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Hi, I’m a girl who lives in Denmark but isn’t fully Danish, writing in English is so much easier for me if it’s okay with you:) A few nights ago I got drunk and there was also a guy who was there who was also drunk. I don’t remember everything from that night and that’s what’s killing me, I don’t know how far things got, I know that he touched me there and even then I wasn’t comfortable, I don’t know if we had sex and I’m soooooooo scared that that has happened. As I said I remember the touching part but not the sex part, I feel like maybe it’s more because I’m scared about it that’s why I think it happened, but I’m still very scared and thinking my about it makes me cry and shake. I haven’t told anyone and I can’t tell anyone, and that feels so lonely, specially because I always tell my mom everything, so it feels so awful. I feel so disgusted in myself specially because I don’t like these kind of things and I feel disgusted that in that moment I didn’t see anything wrong with it bc I was drunk. I was super scared the morning after so I bought a levodonna (the morning after) pill and took it. When it happened I was on the last day on my period so I think ovulation hadn’t happened yet. But I’m so scared of not getting my period next month and I can’t wait a whole month it’s killing me alive and I just don’t know what to do it feel like I’m the most disgusting person on earth. Please help me

Svar:

Hi, and thank you for your question.
 
We’re sad to hear that you feel there is no one you can talk to about you experience, so It’s good that you’re reaching out here. It sounds like a really stressful situation to be in. We believe that we might be better able to help you properly, if you are able to contact us via chat or on our phone number +45 7020 2266, where we can ask follow-up questions to get a better understanding of the situation. Our chat and phone lines are open mon-fri from 3pm – 7 pm. However, we will do our best to answer your concerns here. It will be a longer reply, as we will try to be thorough.
 
Being in doubt about whether anything sexual has happened to you, while you were unable to consent, is understandably very emotionally taxing. Whether anything more happened, or not, your psychological reaction is in either case reminiscent of what’s typically seen with victims of sexual abuse, especially the feelings of shame. And you describe that you already felt uncomfortable with the parts that you do remember happening, so it does indeed seem like your limits have been transgressed.
 
When our sexual and physical limits are transgressed, it’s not uncommon that our feelings afterwards can manifest themselves as shame, guilt and self-blame. This can partly be a products of a mental self-preservation mechanism, where we try to look for meaning in the incidence. If we can find a reason for why it happened, it can feel less meaningless. And that reason can easily be ascribed to us selves and our own behaviour, such as “I got too drunk”, “I should not have gone home with him”, or maybe “I should have said no more clearly.” The self-attribution of blame can even be a way to regain a sense of control; “If I caused it, I was in control of the situation, and I can prevent it from happening next time!”. However, it’s important to remember, that no one – no matter how drunk or flirty etc. you have been – has the right to touch you body non-consensually. That will always be their choice to do and therefore their responsibility.
In Denmark our consent law states that you are not allowed to engage in sexual activity with anyone who has not clearly given their consent. This includes clear verbal and/or bodily consent. It should be given on an informed basis (the one consenting needs to know what they’re consenting to), and it can always be revoked, whereafter the activity should stop immediately. In this is also incorporated that a person who is mentally not able to consent, can per default not consent – for example someone who is too drunk to know what’s going on, or someone who’s sleeping.
 
Self-disgust is, as mentioned, unfortunately also very common, and can also be a form of subconscious self-preservation. It can, for some, be a way of distancing themselves from the boundary transgressing incident. Essentially; “If I reject that part of myself, I can overcome it.”. Self-disgust and shame can also result from a rejection and embarrassment of part of our responses to what happened – for example, if we were turned on at first, or if we believe we ‘should have known better’ – and can thus be a response to our own perceived “moral failure”. But it also makes sense from a perspective of intrusion; Someone’s unwanted physical/sexual attention can feel like an intrusion that leaves you “dirty”. That does not mean that you are dirty, but that the act of the transgressor was dirty, and that that has left a mark.
 
In line with that, the negative self-feelings can also be partly a product of an internalisation of problematic societal narratives characterised by victim-blaming; Statements such as “she was asking for it”, or “but what was she wearing” or just the general shaming of women who embrace their sexuality. Even though these narratives are based on a fundamentally uneducated view on both sexuality, women and victims of abuse, and are massively damaging, it can be difficult to completely avoid letting them affect oneself. Especially if they are narratives that one has grown up with, and therefore have worked in an indoctrinating way. However, it still stands – Predatory sexual transgressions are solely the fault of the perpetrator.
 

So what do you do now?

You have already done a lot for yourself. You have limited the risk of unwanted pregnancy with the morning after pill, within the necessary timeframe. It’s very unlikely that you have to further worry about pregnancy. If, against odds, your period doesn’t show up as expected, take it from there with a pregnancy test etc. But for now, we hope that you can get some peace of mind on this matter. If you want to take further precautions, it could potentially be an idea to make an appointment with your GP, or depending on which commune you live in, with a local sexual health clinic, to get tested for STI’s. Now that’s for the medical part.
 
Additionally, we would really advice you to let someone in your personal life, that you trust, in on your thoughts and feelings in regards to this. We understand that it can be an extremely sensitive subject to share with somebody else, especially when it’s fueled by shame. However, these things are in the category of “not good to handle in solitude”. So, if in any way possible, we urge you to do so. If an option, maybe it would also be good to talk to the guy to ask for clarification on what happened that night? Your boundaries seem to have been transgressed, but it sounds like it would be helpful if the frustrations of uncertainty of exactly to what degree, or in which way, could be eliminated. Alternatively, you might have to find a way to cope with that uncertainty. Once again, the help from a proper support system is important here, or even a mental health professional, if you find that the negative thoughts and feelings persist.
 
We hope that our answer has been able to help a bit, or at least to help with normalization of, and possible explanations for, what you’re experiencing. You are of course always welcome to contact us again, if you need clarification on anything, or if you would just like to talk it through.
 
Kind regards,
Sexlinien XX33